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Fixing America, One Idiot at a Time

Lawmakers, Wall Street executives, sports and media types have crossed a line. It's about time they got spanked!

I’m not like Michele Bachmann. I don’t believe God will fix everything

But I do have a solution for fixing America: Let’s tune out the idiots.

Some might say, "But Kevin, this is a difficult task, what with so many heads of state, lawmakers, media types, Wall Street executives, celebrities, professional athletes and faithful servants from which to choose."

That’s a good point. But fortunately, identifying the pinhead miscreants who don’t believe in honesty, equality and the inexorable human right to freedom, isn’t very hard at all. In fact, the idiot crowd stands out like a sore thumb. 

For instance, there are idiots trying to tell us whom we can marry.

Other dolts are proudly demonstrating a complete unwillingness to bend, even in the face of reason.

The ignorance brain trust is also spying on innocent citizens to make a buck.

And many proactive idiots are dreaming up ways to steal people’s money.

There are idiots who haven’t paid for things they knowingly bought, too (I’m thinking of you, my deadbeat former client).

You get a capital “I” if another idiot accurately identifies you as an idiot.

As always, there are idiots in sports and media.  In fact, the weak-minded can be found in every industry and walk of life – even public relations.

Solving the Idiot Problem

But this article isn’t about the “who,” it’s about the “what.”

As in, what should we do with all the idiots once they’ve been rounded up?

It’s a good question, though I’m not in the best position to comment.  My opinions, you see, have been tainted by exposure over many years to far too many idiots.

Therefore I simply can’t be objective.

Thankfully, my kids can. 

Kids know right from wrong because they feel it on a gut level – like, Will my gut be getting any dessert tonight?

So when you ask a kid, as I’ve been known to do, "Why did you hit your brother?" He knows the wrong answer could mean the difference between enjoying an Oreo cookie after dinner, and being the only person at the dinner table who won’t.

Anyhow, back to the idiots. 

If I asked my kids what we should do with all the rotten people, the first thing they’d want to know is what the persons in question did to get in trouble. 

Of course I couldn’t share all their idiot messiness with my young children. Virgin ears should never have to hear Sarah Palin-isms like, “If God had not wanted us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” 

So I’d have to put my answer to them in terms they’d understand:  “These people have been mean to other people for no good reason,” I’d say.

This would get their attention immediately, because my kids were taught to be nice.

Once my kids are told about the rotten mean people, they’d consider their punishment options. Thankfully they aren’t familiar yet with capital punishment. And because the concept of jail is also foreign to them, their suggestions would probably be more like, “Don’t let them play with their friends anymore.”

Ah ha.  Now that seems like a good idea! 

What if the idiots weren’t allowed to play with their friends anymore?

What if they had to be idiots all alone? Or, better yet, force the idiots to hang out with the people they derided and deprived over the years – you know, us non-idiots! What if the punishment for idiocy was being forced to live up to your idiocy evermore, without any hope of getting to gallivant around with other idiots who also don’t care about being nice, treating people equally, separating church and state, etc.

That’s a scary concept, for everyone.

After hearing my kids suggest this option, I might counsel them away from choosing it. The last thing I want to do is spend more time with a bunch of idiots. But the premise is spot on, even if fitting punishment to crime is no easy business.

Idiots tend to act as such because they see other idiots getting away with it. And worse still, being an idiot often leads to great fame and fortune – hello, Alex Rodriguez! But maybe if we stop giving idiots the time of day, fewer people will act like idiots, or at the very least, perhaps we won’t notice them as much.

In particular the media – this column included – spends so much time glamorizing idiocy, one could argue that the very medium would cease to exist if not for its never-ending commitment to chronicling the gargantuan folly of idiots everywhere.

So, in lieu of a better idea, I’m going with the solution I think my kids would propose.

Instead of rounding up the idiots, let’s try ignoring them. 

What we’ll lose in Republican presidential candidates, heads of monetary funds, psychotic murderers, conservative pundits, religious “leaders,” baseball owners and football players, we’ll make up for in dialogue that engenders integrity, honesty and respect.

Sadly, those are three things you don’t hear said much about America these days.

In all seriousness, friends, I fear we’re reaching a dangerous crossroads as it pertains to human decency. 

Down one path is something venomous, essentially more of the same egoism, self-righteousness, fear tactics, lies, bigotry and close-mindedness that permeates politics, finance, sports and media today. Down the other path is goodness, in which truth, equality and understanding are primary, and where we all sacrifice a little for the sake of making things work.

The latter road is all about compromise. Obama of course is ridiculed every day by the left, right and middle for this approach, but I happen to think it’s the correct one.

If we can tune out the idiots – on both sides of the aisle – decency is within reach.

Ann Krueger Spivack August 22, 2011 at 01:23 PM
In search of decency. I like it Kevin.
Kat Flesh August 22, 2011 at 02:20 PM
You are my favorite this morning, very funny article!
Bob Dylan August 22, 2011 at 04:35 PM
So, I guess I'm led to believe that if you have another point of view, other than Kevin's very liberal slant, I'm an idiot. Thanks for the objectivity. Not respecting other people's viewpoints, or opinions, that's where most of our society's idiots reside.
Tania August 22, 2011 at 07:17 PM
Dead beat clients are the worst! It's highly unethical, to say the least. And who wants to be known in the industry as a company that doesn't pay its bills? What's really funny is when they pay you half of what they owe you, after much time spent just trying to get paid, then they come back a few months later and want to work with you again. Seriously?!?!

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